Pretense
by ImLuvinMyThesaurus
Summary: When you reach the limit of human pain, what next? (Liason - Jason/Elizabeth)
1. Prologue

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Pretense: Prologue

No one should ever have to feel such cold. The kind you feel deep inside; it spreads through every part of your being and settles in your bones. It absorbs all feeling. It is inescapable. It follows you, pushes you down and resides in your soul.

She sat next to an open window in early May. The air was heavy and there was a definite chill. Port Charles had been the recipient of a late season cold front and the city had yet to thaw. She was freezing, but it wasn't from the weather. It came from within. She had been invaded by emptiness. She felt nothing.

Only the cold.

They said it was shock and it would pass. That was weeks ago and it was still hanging over her like a thunderstorm that has yet to break. All around, life moved on, but not for her. She went through the motions, but to what end? Once again she was pretending to move on, pretending to be okay, pretending to live. Once again her entire life had become pretense. 

All that existed for her was the emptiness. She was living in a void.

Her life was like a carousel ride. Every time things started to look up and started going well for her, the bottom would drop out. Something would come along like a detour in the middle of the road and screw her over. 

It had happened again. She had been so happy and carefree. She was smiling. She had thought that this time it would work out. She felt normal. That should have been her first clue. Elizabeth Webber was never happy for long; life, destiny, or some twisted god wouldn't allow that. And life had smacked her in the face once more.

She felt like she was screaming and no one was listening. No one cared. Sure, everyone tried in the beginning. But as the weeks passed, people stopped noticing. Whether it was intentional or not, she didn't know. There's only so many times the same people can say that they're sorry. The only difference was, this time she didn't care. She welcomed their indifference. She didn't want to share conversations with people that didn't matter to her. She didn't feel anything anymore, unless numbness counted.

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"Do you know what nothing feels like?"

"Yeah, that's pretty much where I live."

There was one who wanted to help. He wanted to be there for her, to help her through the loss, the devastation, the anger, but she didn't want him. His help always cost too much. In the past whenever she needed him, he had been there, but then he too, like everyone else, had finally left. She had placed all her trust in him, all her faith and gotten nothing in return except lies and heartache. He had all but forgotten her. She had been cast aside for someone else. He had been her hope, her beacon of light, and her wind. He had saved her in so many ways, only to forget her existence.

She used to feel the wind, but it's gone now. The wind doesn't exist anymore, not for her. All that's left is the cold.

She doesn't want him around because she wouldn't be able to handle it when he left. She knew if she let herself believe in him again and he left that she would be truly lost and that scared her. Never again did she want her life to revolve around anyone. You only lost when it did. The only person who can be relied upon is yourself. At least that way when you fuck up, there is no one to blame for it but you.

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"There's no word for what I feel for you."

When Lucky had died, she wanted people to see that she was moving on. She wanted them to see that her whole world didn't revolve around him. The grief she felt for Lucky was razor sharp; she ached for him constantly. She thought the pain would never go away. Then he came into her life and changed everything. She started to see the world differently and she looked forward to getting up every day on the off chance she might see him. And the pain from Lucky's death had started to diminish. It became a hollow ache. She attributed this change to him: the first man who had never let her down. Even after all the times he left, her belief in him never faltered. She had been such a stupid girl than. She trusted too easily, gave too much of herself, and in the end she was the one who always lost. Not much had changed, she still lost. But now she knew how her life was. She knew that she would never win.

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"Just please be happy, because that's all I really want."

Happiness doesn't exist, at least not for her. When was she going to learn that?

Then Lucky had come back from the dead and she was expected to be exactly the way he had left her. She was supposed to be the same girl left behind. She was supposed to forget what it meant to be strong and to make decisions for herself. She was supposed to forget being his friend. She had to forget the man that had helped her change, but she couldn't. She had been selfish; she wanted him in her life, so she played him like a yo-yo. The blame wasn't all on her side though, there was plenty to go around. He never fought for her; he didn't tell her how he felt about her until the end. He never made an effort to bring her into his life, his heart. It was always too dangerous; there was no room for her. And now, there was no room for him.

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"It's too dangerous to be around me."

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"I've held you once and watched you bleed. I can't do it again."

It was always excuses from him.

When Lucky had been acting so odd that summer, everyone kept telling her to not give up. Everyone cared about Lucky, not her. She had wanted to shout that she mattered, that she was there too. No one noticed. No one cared. Except him. Back then she had wanted people to notice her pain and listen to her, now she just wanted to be ignored.

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"Don't follow me, you're only going to get lost."

She was lost and wanted to be left alone to the emptiness.

The worst part was during the night when the nightmares came; they threatened her sanity. As soon as her eyes closed, his face would tattoo itself onto the back of her eyelids. She would remember his eyes, the way they looked, the way they smiled right along with his mouth. She would dream of his smell, his hands, his laugh, and then she would see the way he looked right before…She shook her head, she wasn't going to think about that. She started avoiding sleep, along with people. She knew she looked terrible. She had lost weight she couldn't afford and her hair was stringy. She was pale, and the circles under her eyes were a deep purple. No one saw her though because she never left her studio. She had food delivered once a day, but didn't eat most of it, and the locks had been changed so she wouldn't have any unwelcome visitors. She just wanted to be left alone. Left alone in her sorrow thinking about what she had lost once more. What had been taken from her again.

The breeze ruffled her hair as she looked at what remained of her studio. Breaking things was always so easy.

She laughed as a chill took her.

No one should ever have to feel such cold.


	2. Chapter 1

Pretense: Chapter 1

Elizabeth sighed and looked at the mess she had wrought the night before in her studio. She didn't know what had come over her, but the intense flash of anger which had coursed through her was the first real feeling she had felt in weeks. She had lost touch with reality for a few minutes and had just let her emotions take her, which both scared and exhilarated her. She was frightened because she couldn't even remember demolishing her studio. She drew a blank in her mind when she sought the memory. On the other had though, the anger and adrenaline coursing through her veins showed that she was still capable of feeling. Unfortunately, her studio had been the unwitting recipient of her fury and everything in her path had been destroyed.

Shrugging her shoulders, Elizabeth muttered, "It's not like I've painted anything worthwhile recently."

Painting used to be her escape, her greatest passion. She would lock herself up for hours and paint away. She wouldn't notice as the time passed. When she was painting, she was in her own world, far removed from everyone else. Painting had been her release and her way of placing her mark on the world around her. Now looking at her paints, her brushes, and the slashed canvases only brought her pain. It showed her that she was no longer that girl, that she would never again be that girl.

She had destroyed all her paintings but two. As much as she wanted to, her hands weren't able to shred the canvas. At that point the anger had faded and she couldn't bring herself to destroy them. The two paintings were her best work. It wasn't just that though, the two paintings were defining points in her life. She had stood looking at them for an hour with knife in hand trying to force herself to rip them. She both loved and hated them because they were the most vivid reminders she had of being happy, of enjoying life.

Both of them had been painted when she was happy. Both were gifts to men she had loved. And both were gifts to men she'd lost.

The first had been painted right after she had seen the wind for the first time. Riding on the back of Jason's motorcycle was one of the most exhilarating and intense experiences. In those moments sitting behind him, streaking down the old highway with him, taking all the curves fast, she felt completely free. She didn't have to hide her emotions. She could laugh and scream and he didn't care. He never knew, but sometimes she would even cry. The tears would simply leak out and be dried by the wind.

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"The wind was so loud I couldn't think," she exclaimed loudly.

Jason smiled at her reaction. "That's the idea."

"I'm trying to paint the wind," she told him.

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"You showed me the rush you get when the wind's in your face and the world is flashing by," she grinned remembering the memory.

Meeting Jason was one of the high points in her life. He saved her in so many ways and taught her about herself. He showed her that it was okay to feel, and to show it. Just being with him made her happy. She didn't have to pretend with him. She could be Elizabeth, Lizzie or whatever other personality would come out around him. Jason didn't care how she acted so long as she was happy. And she had been happy. She was herself.

She smiled wistfully as she looked at the other painting that had survived her wrath. It was the one she had painted for him. It had been done after she realized that she loved him and they had made love for the first time. The rush of emotions and the raw passion she had experienced had begged to be released onto the canvas. She had stayed up late into the night to try and paint her feelings for him. She had worked non-stop. It had felt like magic had invaded her hands, because she couldn't stop painting. She could not have put down that paint brush to save her life. She still remembered his reaction to seeing it for the first time.

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She flipped on the light switch, illuminating her studio. "I have to show you something, but I'm not sure you'll like it."

"Is it that painting you were so excited about, the one that kept you away from me?" he said teasingly.

"Yeah, and your opinion is very important to me since you inspired it", she explained walking to where the painting had been placed on an easel.

His face looked slightly confused. "What do you mean?"

"Well, why don't you look at it first and then I'll explain", she said pulling back the cover to show him the newly finished painting.

"Elizabeth…" he started, then he stopped seemingly having lost his voice.

"What do you think?" He was studying it so intently and his eyes which were usually so expressive gave nothing of his thoughts away. "You're not saying anything. Is it that bad?" All of a sudden she was very nervous. What if he didn't like it? What would she do?

"No, I'm -- I'm just amazed at your talent. The colors are so brilliant and the way you used them…the brush strokes are so strong in some parts and yet soft, almost tender in others. You were happy when you painted this," he finished. It was a statement and not a question.

Elizabeth smiled softly and nodded her head; he did like it. "That's what I was trying to express, the way your hands felt on my skin when we made love. You are so strong, but you hold it in check around me. When we made love, I felt so safe. You were so gentle and loving." 

He stared at her for a moment, affected by her words. "I don't know what to say."

"Don't say anything. Just know that you make me happy and that I want you in my life. I love you", she finished quietly.

His eyes glistened as he said in a voice suddenly gone hoarse, "Elizabeth…the painting is breathtaking. You're breathtaking. I look at you and I don't know what I did to deserve you, but I swear to God that I never want to hurt you in any way. You are the only light in my life. When we made love, I've never felt so completely joined to another human…you are my life."

She laughed softly. "I'm glad you like it, because it's a gift."

Surprise was etched on his beautiful features as he answered quickly, "I can't take this. Something this stunning needs to be displayed in a gallery."

"Shhh…" she said placing her fingers over his mouth. "I painted this because of you. You're the reason it exists. It's yours."

"Thank you," he whispered as he gently kissed her fingertips. "I'll treasure it always. The beauty of who you are is reflected in your work. I love you Elizabeth."

Elizabeth felt a tear slowly slid down her cheek at his words. "What can I say, you inspire me."

"That's where you're wrong; It's the other way around," he said brushing her face lightly with his fingers. "You are my inspiration Elizabeth. You are all I've ever wanted and you're all I'll ever need."

She remembered the way she had melted at those words. His inspiration. How wrong he had been. He had been hers in every way. After being hurt badly, so many times by different people, she never thought that she would be able to open herself up to love again. She hadn't wanted a relationship, neither of them had, but it had been inevitable between them. 

She looked around her at the studio. There was no sense in procrastinating, she was going to have to start cleaning. It was either clean up or live in this dump. Why it mattered she didn't know, but she bent down and began to gather the rubble into piles anyway. As she was leaning over, she spotted something underneath the table where all of her supplies had been. She had to stretch to reach it. She gasped when she saw what it was.

Her postcard; the postcard Jason gave her when she had been in the hospital after the kidnapping. Everyone else had sent expensive flowers and her room had looked like a funeral parlor. But not him, oh no, he had to give her something simple, something he knew she would love. Something that screamed both their names. She smiled sadly remembering the occasion when he had given it to her.

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"I brought you something."

"Really?" She said excited at the prospect of a gift. What would Jason have gotten her?

"Yeah, I picked it up for you when I was in Italy," he said amused at her reaction. He reached into his pocket and handed her a postcard.

"Oh wow, Jason, this is beautiful," she murmured, softy running her finger over the picture.

"It reminded me of you, the way you paint." She could tell he was pleased that she liked it.

"Oh please, I wish. How come you never sent it?"

"Well, I just…you know, I needed to be able to see you, make sure you still wanted a postcard from me," he said seriously.

It had been such a simple gift, but she hadn't needed more than that. It showed her that even though things hadn't ended well the last time he had been in town that he still cared for her. It showed her that all the times she had been thinking of him, and wondering how he was, that he had in fact been thinking of her too.

She had forgotten she had it. The card must have gotten knocked under the table and had been sitting there for quite some time. At one time the scene would have been quite beautiful to her. She would have enjoyed the colors, the way the buildings reflected the light of the sunset, and the deepening shadows that signified evening. Now, it was just an object, a memory of something that once was.

She sighed again, something she'd been doing a lot lately. Now wasn't the time to think of the past and her memories. She placed the postcard on top of the other garbage and piled it together. But just as she did, someone pounded loudly on the door.

She looked up just as he called her name. "Elizabeth?"

She would recognize that voice anywhere. It was in her dreams; it was in her nightmares.


	3. Chapter 2

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Pretense: Chapter 2

"Elizabeth?"

God that voice. It still made her shiver. Her name always sounded so good coming from his mouth. He had the most sensual lips and the way they seemingly curved into a half smile every time he said her name would make her melt. 

"Elizabeth? I know you're in there, I can see the light. Open up, we need to talk." His fist fell heavily on the door.

He was pounding on his door. The door he gave her. The door he gave her so she would be safe when things had been too dangerous. Whenever they got close, danger always seemed to be lurking around every corner. They could never be together because of his job and what it entailed. In reality, it wasn't his job, not really. That was just the excuse they gave each other. The real danger was in the emotions they caused in each other. Danger was an inherent part of everything they had shared. Even when she was with Lucky, she recognized the power of the feelings Jason aroused in her. When she was with Jason, it was all so intense. The problem lay in giving in to that intensity. They had both been too frightened to give themselves totally to the other. Sure, his job was dangerous, but that wasn't the real reason they couldn't make a relationship work. Instead of facing the emotions that bubbled to the surface whenever they were together, they had both run in the opposite directions. 

"Elizabeth please open the door. I need to…I just need…Elizabeth open the door," he said pleading.

She didn't realize that she had been unconsciously running her hands over the card while listening to Jason speak. She looked down at the postcard and quickly set it on the nearest table, covering it with strips of canvas. There was no way she would allow him to see the postcard. She didn't want him to know that she had been thinking about him. She didn't want to think about him.

Elizabeth sighed, not wanting to face him as she moved to the door. She knew he wouldn't leave; he never did. He would stand out there all night waiting to talk to her. She swung the door open wildly hearing it clang against the wall. He looked surprised that she had given in so easily and was actually standing in front of him. The surprise quickly vanished and he barreled into the studio, not giving her the chance to change her mind.

As Jason entered the room, he looked around him at the mess in shock. Nothing was intact. Canvases had been slashed, paints had been splattered, brushes and canvas knives scattered the room. In her anger, she hadn't spared anything. Not even the old couch, where he had spent weeks recuperating and sleeping, was in one piece. She had torn apart the cushions and torn out the stuffing. The entire studio had been demolished. The art, her home, the escape she had loved so much had been destroyed. As he looked around, he could tell, that Elizabeth had been in a rage, and she had tried to erase the most important thing in her life. And that scared him.

Jason motioned around him at the rubble. "What happened to your studio?"

"I finally got around to my spring cleaning. You know, better late than never." She answered sarcastically.

"Elizabeth, this is your studio, you love this place. Why would you tear it apart?" Jason questioned already knowing the answer, but needing to hear it from her. Needing to hear that she didn't care about anything anymore including her painting.

She rolled her eyes. "I decided it was time for a new decorating scheme. I got tired of the old look and was thinking about something a little more wild."

He stared her dead in the eyes. "Elizabeth-"

She cut him off angrily. "What are you doing here? I've told you that I don't want you around, so why won't you leave me alone?"

Well, he figured they had to begin somewhere. "If you didn't want me around Elizabeth, than why did you let me in?"

She sighed, shrugging her shoulders. "I don't know why I let you in. There isn't a reason, I just did."

He looked at her steadily, "Come on Elizabeth, there is a reason. You wanted to see me, that's why you opened the door."

"No, I opened the door to get rid of you. I knew you'd stand out there all night, and the sooner I talked to you the sooner you'd leave," she stated.

"Look Elizabeth-" he started.

"No, I won't 'look'. What will it take for you to leave me alone? What do you want? What do you want from me?" She said despairingly.

"I just…I just want to help you Elizabeth. Please, let me help you. Let me be there for you," Jason implored her.

She looked away. "You can't help me, not this time."

"I can Elizabeth, if you let me," he replied earnestly.

Elizabeth looked into his eyes and saw his desire to help her. She saw the pain she was causing him and part of her relished it. He had hurt her so many times, why shouldn't she inflict some pain on him in return? Why shouldn't he hurt and burn inside? She had felt so much pain for so long, why shouldn't someone else feel it for a change?

"You need to leave," she said angrily.

He shook his head in response. "I'm not going anywhere Elizabeth. You need help, you need to let people in. You can't keep your feelings bottled up inside. The pain, the anger will continue to grow if you let it. Eventually, no one will be able to reach you; eventually it'll kill you."

"And you speak from your vast personal experience of sharing. You've never been one for opening up Jason," she stated scornfully.

"That's not true, and you know it Elizabeth. Don't ever say that," he said forcefully. "I could always open up with you. You were the one I shared my deepest feelings with, you were the one who saw my anger. You were the one I let in. You, Elizabeth. It's always been you."

"I didn't mean it that way," she whispered sadly.

"Didn't you?" he retorted. "Do you remember that summer we first met? Do you remember what happened as vividly as I do? Do you remember how we connected? You weren't the only one in pain. You weren't the only one in need."

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Elizabeth sighed. "I never used to be sorry. Sorry for myself, sure, but not sorry for the things I did. You know, people would tell me that I was wrong or bad, like they had this magic guidebook for living and I was breaking all the rules."   
  
"You probably were…their rules," Jason said knowingly.  
  
"Yeah, well, why should their rules apply to me?" Elizabeth returned rebelliously.  
  
Jason was surprised that she had the same feelings he once had. He considered his answer carefully drawing from his history with Robin, Carly, and Michael. "That's always how I felt. You know, but you can -- you can live by your own rules and not care what anyone thinks. Until someone loves you and you love them, and then their rules have to matter, too." He looked over at Elizabeth hoping she understood why he was telling her this. 

He looked down at his hands before continuing. "See Robin -- she wanted me to tell the truth. The day I brought Michael home from the hospital, she asked me to take him to A.J. but I wouldn't…first because I promised Carly, and then because I loved him too much. So, for a whole year, she kept a secret that she hated, a secret she thought was wrong." He raised his head and locked eyes with Elizabeth. He could see the understanding there.   
  
"Because she loved you," Elizabeth murmured.   
  
"Because she loved me," Jason echoed remembering the past.

"Do you remember Elizabeth?" Jason asked quietly.

She looked away from his eyes as tears threatened to fall. "I remember."

"When we met that summer, we shared ourselves. We were two people who needed another person to listen to us. We needed someone who could understand pain and loss. We needed someone to simply be there for us. We needed each other Elizabeth; we still do," he said taking her hand in his.

Elizabeth pulled her hand from his grasp turning away from him. She couldn't deal with this. Everything he said sounded so good. Every word. More than anything in the world, she wanted him to protect her. She wanted to throw herself into his arms and let him take care of her and make all the pain disappear. She couldn't allow herself to do that though; she couldn't let him in. Every time she relied on him, he would walk away from her; he would walk out of her life. He would always leave, and she would always be the one who ended up devastated. No, she couldn't let Jason Morgan help her anymore.   


She moved over to the door and opened it, saying "I need you to leave. I can't deal with this--with you right now. I just need you to leave."

Jason tried one last ditch effort to get her attention. "Elizabeth, listen-"

"You need to go," she said interrupting him. Her eyes were empty once again. She motioned to the open door, whispering, "Just go. Please."

Jason frowned moving towards the open door and stepped into the hallway. Before she could close the door, Jason turned and reached out, bracing his hand against it. He met her eyes, staring deep into the twin pools, looking for reason, looking for hope, looking for light. He saw nothing and he felt tears sting the back of his eyes. "You can't shut me out Elizabeth, you can't shut out life."

"Maybe not," she said returning his gaze, "but I can sure as hell try."

Jason looked at her in defeat before the door was slammed in his face. His door; the door he'd once given her as a form of protection. He hadn't been there for her when she'd needed him. The door was supposed to protect her, but it was also a symbolic gesture, a promise on his part that she mattered, that he would always be there to protect her, and that he would always care for her, no matter what. Jason, scowled, thinking about how long his promise had lasted. The door, like his commitment to her had been a pretense.


	4. Chapter 3

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Pretense: Chapter 3

The wind was picking up as dawn slowly approached. He could smell the smoke of the many factories lining the quay. Jason turned his head and could just make out the ELQ crane off to the far end of the docks. To his left, out of the corner of his eye, he could see Elizabeth's building, where her lights were out once more.

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What was he going to do about Elizabeth?

Jason wanted to help her more than anything, but he didn't know how. He couldn't help her if she wouldn't let him. Elizabeth had to let him in first, and so far she wasn't relenting. He was running out of ideas.

For the past few weeks, he would stand on the docks listening to the waves gently lap against the pier and watch Elizabeth's studio. Jason didn't really know what he was looking for, movement, her face in the window, hell, even the lights switching on. Tonight had been the first time in weeks that the lights had been shining. Maybe that was what had prompted him to try and see her once more. He had tried repeatedly to gain entry to the studio, even going so far as to beg in his worry for her. Jason had attempted to use the extra key he had from when the door was installed but the locks had been changed. That had hurt because of the lengths she was taking to avoid him. 

She ignored his presence and he had grown used to it, watching her studio from a distance. However when he had seen the light on tonight Jason had decided to take the chance to speak with her again. The light was never on at night.

When he had knocked on the door, he never thought about going inside. Jason had figured he would stand out there for a while imploring her to speak with him, and eventually he would leave and spend the remainder of the night on the docks watching her window. Jason hadn't prepared a speech for when he was inside simply because he didn't think he would be. He was still surprised that she had opened the door to him.

The studio had been completely torn apart. It had been the work of someone who hated existence. Elizabeth had tried to destroy all of her memories and everything that had ever mattered to her. It wasn't the state of the studio that had rocked him though, it was her appearance.

He had been shocked and then terrified by how Elizabeth had looked. She had been in a word, lifeless. Tired, drawn, pale, and emotionless. She looked as if she didn't want to exist anymore, like she was trying to fade into the background. She had deep circles under her eyes that were so dark they looked like they had been painted on and her clothes hung loosely on her body. Elizabeth had lost weight when she was already too thin; Jason could tell that she hadn't been eating. He had taken her hand and couldn't believe how fragile she had felt. Her fingers had been so bony. He thought if someone were to simply give her a strong handshake, they would snap.

It was her eyes which had affected him the most. They were completely empty. Sure she had been angry with him, but the entire time, her eyes had remained emotionless. None of the anger or sadness that had sounded in her voice had lit up her eyes in anyway. That sparkle he loved was extinguished. Her beautiful blue eyes were dead to the world.

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When did she change so suddenly? How much did I miss after we were over?

He couldn't explain it, she had just changed. One minute, she was happy in his penthouse and the next, she was barely speaking with him after she had left. She had lived months now without him in her life and he had no idea what had transpired during that time. Jason sighed, rubbing his eyes wearily.

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Don't fucking lie to yourself. You know why she changed. You did too. At least she kept some semblance of herself; you don't even resemble what you used to be.

Who was he kidding, Elizabeth hadn't been the same for a long time know. She had changed, and he had missed it. He had missed it just like so many other things. He had pulled back from her time and time again. Even after she had laid everything out on the table for him, told him how she had really felt, he had sabotaged their relationship from the beginning.

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Yeah, if you can even call it that.

For a relationship to work, both parties had to be willing to try. Jason had told her he would; he had said he would never hurt her on purpose and then he turned around and knowingly caused her pain. He knew that keeping Sonny's 'death' from her and his lie by omission would hurt her and would most likely end their relationship before it even had a chance to begin. That's why Jason had shut her out, why he hadn't come home all those nights, why he would walk right by the sofa where Elizabeth was laying down and head straight for the stairs ignoring her presence.

In reality, all he had wanted was to lift her into his arms and tell her the truth. All Jason had ever wanted was to protect and love her and be loved by her in return.

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Look how screwed up that got. What did you expect? That you could lie to her, avoid her for weeks, come home, tell her what had really happened, and she would just fall into your arms?

Instead of working out their problems and fighting for her, Jason had just given up using the excuse that she couldn't handle his life. That had been lie number two. Elizabeth could handle his life better than anyone he had ever met. She knew what he was. She knew that he had killed people in the past and that he would kill people in the future if Sonny gave the order. Elizabeth knew that he could beat someone within an inch of their life and not feel any remorse. She knew the monster that Jason Morgan could be. She knew all this and accepted it as part of him.

Elizabeth had been able to accept every part of him. She knew him better than anyone else, and he had abandoned her. She never shrank from who he was and what he did for a living. She accepted it just as she did the rest of him. For the first time, Jason had felt whole. He didn't have to work at separating his two sides. Elizabeth knew him in entirety and she had still wanted to be in his life, in his world. And he had turned his back on her and acted like none of it had mattered, when she had been his world.

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And then you turned from her and went to Courtney. What was that about?

Jason shook his head, still not knowing what had driven him into Courtney's arms.

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Everything just got so fucked up. The whole situation. Things started out so good, but it didn't last. And who's fault is that?

Last summer when he had returned to Port Charles, he had thought that it was finally the time for them. Jason had believed their chance had come. The timing was right, neither of them had attachments to anyone else, and the attraction was still there, only more pronounced than before.

In the beginning, everything had started out right. It seemed to be going well between them. They had flirted and danced around each other for weeks. It had felt like they were finally going to be together. They both wanted it. There had been no doubt about that, but they just couldn't seem to meet in the middle at the same time.

The struggles, the kidnapping, the Zander episode, and his continued aloofness had seemed like insurmountable obstacles. They hadn't been though. When it had come down to it, one night Jason had returned to find that the place he slept at, the penthouse, had been transformed into a home simply because Elizabeth was there.

That had been the night when he and Elizabeth had laid it all out on the table explaining their feelings and being honest for the first time in what seemed like forever. That night Jason had felt such fear. She had the power to rip his heart out and cause him pain like nothing else in this world. Elizabeth had told him how she felt using words he had all but given up ever hearing from her.

And then, he had gone and walked away, blocking her out of his life, and for what?

There were mornings when Jason would be standing in front of the mirror before shaving and he would simply stare at himself. He didn't like what he saw. Whether it was for seconds or minutes he never knew. He was trying to find where he had disappeared to for those months. Jason was sickened by his image; he couldn't even see himself anymore. Elizabeth had said she didn't recognize him, so that made two of them.

Somewhere along the line he stopped being Jason Morgan, his own man; the Jason Morgan who cannot tell a lie, who is loyal to his friends until death. His personal code had been swallowed by Sonny and his demands. He became Sonny's enforcer, Sonny's right hand man, Sonny's lieutenant, and the list went on. He didn't have any identity accept one that started with the name 'Sonny'. His identity was what Sonny gave him.

Somewhere along the line he had become what he hated.

Jason had been the one who had ultimately changed. He had transformed into another person and he had changed. He had committed the ultimate betrayal. It wasn't about the lies, or the hurt they had caused each other. It wasn't about Elizabeth walking out or his ignoring her for weeks on end. Jason had betrayed her by not trying, by not fighting for her. His greatest betrayal was that he had simply given up on her, on him, on them.

Jason sighed looking over at her studio again.

He was terrified for her, she couldn't stay on her current path. He hadn't been lying when he said that if she continued like this the pain and emptiness would kill her. Jason worried one day Elizabeth would simply let go of the tenuous strings that held her to this world and she would be gone. He knew for a fact that she hadn't left her studio in weeks, that the lights were almost always off, and that she spoke with no one. He knew this because he had Francis watching her and Francis was almost mad with worry. Jason knew that Francis cared deeply for her and would gladly give his life for her, as he would himself, but how do you save someone who doesn't want to be saved? She was blocking out life, blocking out light, blocking out those who cared about her, and there was nothing he could do to stop her.

__

Why did she open the door tonight then? Maybe she is finally ready to let someone in.

Jason took that thought to heart, gaining strength from the possibility that Elizabeth was healing, or at least ready to start the healing process. He would be there for her every step of the way he vowed. This time no one would get in the way of his devotion to Elizabeth; not Sonny, not Carly, not even himself. She was his most important priority and he would help her no matter what.

As Jason walked away from the edge of the pier, he glanced back towards Elizabeth's studio. The lights were out as usual. He murmured, "I'm here Elizabeth. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere. You just don't believe me yet. I won't let you hurt anymore if I can help it, I won't let you hide."

He turned and walked up the stairs with his newfound resolution to help Elizabeth sounding in his ears. He wouldn't let her run anymore. She wouldn't be able to hide from him.

Jason could not have known how wrong he was.


	5. Chapter 4

****

Pretense: Chapter 4

The sound of the door slamming was still ringing in her ears as Elizabeth leaned up against it for support. Jason's eyes had been so sad, almost resigned as she once again refused his help.

__

I will not cry. I will not cry. Not anymore.

She sighed switching off the light before moving away from the door to the couch, allowing her tired body to fall heavily onto the waiting cushions.

Elizabeth hated the way he made her feel.

She kept trying to shut him out of her life, but he wouldn't let her.

Why did Jason have to show up tonight? Right when she felt that she had closed herself off to the world and could feel nothing, his mere presence was enough to bring all the memories back and tear into already bleeding wounds. Jason reminded her of the past, of her failures. 

Why of all nights did he choose tonight to come by her studio?

It must have been the light.

She never kept the light on after dark because she wouldn't have to see anything then. She could just stare into the darkness and become part of it. She didn't know what had prompted her to keep the light on tonight, but there was no doubting that doing so had drawn Jason to the studio. She wouldn't be making that mistake again.

__

Jason, why did you have to show up here? Why can't you just leave me alone?

In the beginning, Jason would come by her studio every night. He would try to get her to speak with him, to open up and let him in, both literally and figuratively. He would stand out there the entire night, sometimes speaking through the door, sometimes just standing in the hall silently. After awhile though, when she continued to keep her door closed to him and her light off, he stopped coming by. She knew he was still watching her though. Jason had radar where she was concerned. He seemed to inherently know when something was wrong. 

Jason had always been able to read her like a book. She would go to him when she needed the truth, when she needed to speak. And he would let her. That was one of the beautiful parts of their friendship, each could say whatever was on their mind. They created a safe area when they were together, where they could air their deepest feelings without being judged.

Their relationship in the beginning was like a beautiful crystal vase that shimmered when it caught the light. Time passed and the vase got dirty, but it was never cleaned. The vase was knocked over and broken into several pieces, but because it was well loved, it was carefully glued back together. More time passed and some of the glue started to fall from the cracks, so more glue was added as reinforcement. Once again, the vase was knocked down, and once again it was put back together using more glue. At this point the vase, like their friendship, did not resemble the original in any way. They were always trying to repair their relationship. 

It had stopped working a long time ago. What was left was in far too many pieces to ever fix. 

Elizabeth looked over to the window, knowing that Jason was outside watching her studio from the docks. She turned her gaze back to the ruined studio, letting her mind wander once more to her shared past with Jason. 

In the beginning Jason had been the one she ran to when she needed to escape from the world and everyone in it. He just let her feel. Jason was her escape.

She remembered something she had said to Emily once about Jason. It was after he'd left for the first time and the two friends had found themselves reminiscing about their mutual admiration, respect, and yes, even love for the man.

Elizabeth looked at Emily before saying quietly, "After that night at Jake's when Jason saved me from myself, every time I had a bad day, I started looking for him. And we'd go for a ride on his bike and I'd tell him what was bothering me. And all of a sudden it just seemed like the whole world got better."

Even after Lucky had come back, she still ran to Jason. Only this time, she wasn't running to him as an escape, but as a sounding board to listen to her problems.

Over and over she had constantly used him, used his feelings for her, used his protective instincts. Even then Elizabeth had known she was being unfair to him, but she couldn't stop going to him. Jason offered something that she needed. He was a need that she couldn't deny. Being with him could change her entire outlook. Even then, Elizabeth had known there was something between them.

She had been so happy when Jason came back last summer. Elizabeth thought they would finally get their chance to be together. When he had come into Kelly's and their eyes had met, it felt like her world was spiraling out of control. The attraction, the pull that had always dragged her back to him, was there and as undeniable as ever.

Elizabeth had screwed it all up with Zander, making a mistake at a time when she was terribly frightened and needy. She wanted Jason, but Zander had been there instead, so Zander it was.

Sometimes she wondered what would have happened if Jason had stayed instead of going to Carly's. Elizabeth wondered if they would have slept together that night. A part of her thought that yes, the situation would have played out the same way with her taking comfort from Jason. Deep inside though, Elizabeth knew the truth. She slept with Zander because he was safe, there were no feelings on the line. She would not have slept with Jason, because like she had told him the first time they kissed, she wanted more from him. 

__

Elizabeth ran her fingers through her hair unable to meet his gaze. "I was just about to have sex with you because I'm furious with Lucky. Jason--Jason, I would be too embarrassed to even look at you afterwards."

"Why?" He asked softly.

Elizabeth looked deeply into his eyes before answering. "Because. Because I would want it to be more. Jason I care about you. And if we had sex or make love or whatever you want to call it, I would want it to mean something. I'm not going to have sex with you just to get back at Lucky. I'm not going to ruin what you and I have because I'm angry with him."

Jason nodded his head, smiling slightly. "I understand."

"You do, don't you? This is so unfair," Elizabeth muttered.

__

"Look, if having sex now would make you too embarrassed to ever speak to me again, then it's good we didn't," Jason explained simply.

That night she had led him on and he had been so understanding, so accepting of the situation. He always accepted her decisions even if he didn't like them.

Jason always understood her. He could always tell when she was lying. Well, he could up until he shut himself down and stayed away from her during Sonny's 'death'. Oh she knew she had overreacted, but Jason had been especially callous about her feelings. All she had needed was a kind word from him, a sign that he was alright, a sign from him that she mattered. Even after the lies were told and the truth was out, she had still wanted him to try. When she had been acting so cold towards him, all she had wanted was Jason to fight for her, to explain himself and his actions. She had needed him, but he had failed her. After one attempt, he had simply given up.

Jason Morgan had given up.

Sometimes Elizabeth truly could not believe it. She did not understand how Jason had done it, how he let go so easily. That night in his penthouse, when they had finally confessed their feelings, had been one of the best nights of her life. Elizabeth had stuck herself out there, voiced her feelings, and Jason had reciprocated. She thought they had finally gotten over the past, gotten through the half-truths and the aloofness. Jason had told her he respected her and that he could try, and then he turned around and forgot her existence. It was as if that night had never happened.

It had been so simple for him to find another. Elizabeth felt like she had barely blinked and drawn breath before he jumped into bed and a love affair with Courtney. Seeing the two of them had hurt because it proved that what they had shared didn't mean nearly as much to him as it had to her. Why was it that he could try with Courtney, but not with her? He could put his all into a relationship with Courtney. He could lie to Sonny for months, sneak around behind his back, and defy him, but he couldn't fight for her. Elizabeth had eventually moved on from him, but the hurt over their lost friendship didn't go away. It faded, but it was always there.

She missed the friendship more than anything else.

In the aftermath, they pushed each other away and said so many hurtful things to one another; things that could never be taken back. The pain caused by the other was just too deep to repair. There was no going back, and Elizabeth would not allow them to go forward together. They would only hurt each other all over again. And she couldn't take anymore pain.

Through all the hurt and the lies, one thing was painfully clear: a relationship together was not an option.

Elizabeth hadn't been lying when she said she no longer recognized Jason. It was the truth, she couldn't see the man who had saved her in Jake's so long ago. He wasn't his own person anymore and had changed into someone that was unrecognizable to her. But Elizabeth had changed too. Sometimes she felt as if a lifetime had passed since she and Jason had been anything to each other. In actuality, it had only been six months, but so much had happened during that time. Elizabeth had loved and lost since Jason Morgan left her life.

Elizabeth looked over at the two paintings propped against the wall, which had been painted for two very different men. One for Jason and one for another man, a man she had lost. Looking at that picture now brought tears to her eyes, but she blinked them away. She couldn't allow herself to think about him, about how much she missed him, how much she loved him still. 

With every thought of him, her heart felt like it was being pulled from her chest. 

She hated the situation, she hated Jason, she hated the man who was gone from her life forever, and she hated herself. Mostly though she hated that she could still feel.


	6. Chapter 5

Pretense: Chapter 5  
  
It had been two weeks since her late night encounter with Jason. He had not returned, but she knew he was still watching her studio. She could feel him.  
  
Jason was never far away these days. Whether it was knowing he was watching her studio or when she looked around it at the many memories they had shared within these walls, Jason was always in her thoughts.  
  
Her studio was back to its former clean self except that there was nothing to remind her of her life up until this point. There were no paints, no brushes, no pictures of friends, even the old blanket across the back of the couch was gone. The drying rack stood empty with nothing to fill it and no paintings lined the walls. Any item that held a memory of her past was gone. There was nothing left to remind her of what had been. It didn't matter that everything had been destroyed or thrown out, Elizabeth still had her memories. And they plagued her night and day.  
  
All the paintings had been destroyed, all but two. Two paintings that sat on easels mocking her with the memories. They sat by the window and Elizabeth felt like they were laughing at her. The paintings were the only things that she couldn't destroy.  
  
In the past couple of weeks, Elizabeth had come to a decision. She couldn't stay on the current path she was on. She had a problem and it had to be fixed. She was going to fix it and she was going to fix it alone with no help from anyone else. Elizabeth knew that Jason wanted to help her, but she wasn't going to allow Jason to save her this time. This was something that she had to do herself. She didn't want Jason to be involved in her life in any way. It always just brought too much pain.  
  
She didn't want to be hurt again and she didn't want him to see her this way.  
  
Elizabeth needed a change and she knew just who to call for help. There was one person who would always help her if she asked, one person she could always count on. She knew he wouldn't judge her. Elizabeth walked from the couch to the desk where her phone lay before bending and plugging it back in. After the accident, her phone had been ringing off the hook with people checking up on her. She had unplugged it to escape from the noise and the outside world.  
  
Elizabeth moved back to the couch dialing the familiar number as she went before dropping back on to the sofa. This was the first time she had made contact with anyone she knew other than Jason in weeks and she had to do it before she lost her courage.  
  
"Yeah, what do you want?" the man who answered asked tiredly.  
  
She had to smile as she heard his gruff voice come over the line. "Hey, it's me--it's Liz."  
  
"Liz?" There was a pause as he seemed to digest the information. "It's sure good to hear your voice darlin'."  
  
That was one thing she loved about this man. He wouldn't ask how she was or pretend anything with her. There was no attempt to ask her about her feelings or make her feel better. He was a man who truly understood loss.  
  
"Yeah, you too. It's been awhile," Elizabeth said softly.  
  
"What's goin' on?" he questioned curiously.  
  
Elizabeth sighed before answering. "I need your help. I need you to help me with something."  
  
"Liz," he said quickly, "you know I'll help you in anyway I can. What's the problem?"  
  
"I don't really want to talk about it over the phone. Can we meet?" Elizabeth asked nervously twisting the cord.  
  
"Sure, no problem," he replied. "Did you want to get together tomorrow?"  
  
"No," Elizabeth said firmly. "I was hoping I could see you tonight."  
  
"Okay," he answered. "Do you want me to come to your studio?"  
  
Elizabeth looked around at the room she hadn't left in over month and made her decision. "How about I come to you. Will you be there for awhile?"  
  
"Yeah, I got a lot of work and number crunching to go over yet, so I'll be around until the early morning hours." He answered.  
  
She could hear the surprise in his voice that she was willing to come see him and leave her studio. It was well known all over town that she hadn't left since the accident. "I'll be over in a little bit. There are just a few things I need to take care of first."  
  
"No problem darlin'. I'll wait for you," he responded quietly.  
  
"Thanks. I'll see you later," Liz said before clicking the off button on her phone.  
  
She sighed leaning her head against the cushions and closing her eyes.  
  
Yes, it was time for a change.  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------------  
  
Eight months ago he had stood in this same spot with Elizabeth looking out at the ships lining the harbor. The sunlight had been shining and it had brought out the red undertones in her hair. She had smelled like citrus and her tank top had revealed a good amount of her beautiful pale skin that he knew felt like satin. Jason had wanted to touch her more than anything that morning and he had to physically keep himself from doing so. His fingers had itched to caress the soft skin of her neck. She always looked so beautiful in the morning. Hell, she always looked beautiful to him.  
  
The time that Elizabeth spent living with him during the whole Alcazar problem had been one of the best that he could remember. Regardless of the fact that Zander had been there as well, his penthouse had felt like a real home. Having her there had made him feel complete; it gave him something to look forward to the entire day. The only other time Jason could remember feeling that way was when he had lived with Robin and Michael. Even then, he hadn't felt this overwhelming sense of peace. Elizabeth living in his penthouse was something that Jason had only ever dreamt of. Coming home at night to see her small body asleep on his sofa was perfection to him. Her presence alone was enough to make him happy.  
  
Having someone to come home to was a wonderful feeling. Elizabeth had made herself at home and that had been fine by him. He loved the way her perfume would hang in the air, the sight of her impossibly high-heeled shoes that she had kicked off by his door, and seeing her old ratty Goodwill blanket lying over the back of his two thousand dollar leather couch. He missed her sketchbooks and pencils that had littered the tables and the way her leather coat looked next to his in the closet. When she had left, she had taken everything with her. Everything but the memories and the thoughts of what might have been. Jason had gotten used to the small differences that Elizabeth seemed to have wrought in her short time living in his penthouse. He had gotten accustomed to them and now Jason missed them more than anything.  
  
Well, almost more than anything.  
  
Jason was pulled out of his musings when he heard someone knocking. He sighed, turning from the window and walked to the door, opening it to reveal Johnny.  
  
"What do you need?" Jason questioned harshly.  
  
Johnny raised a brow at his boss, but he was getting used to Jason's behavior ever since Ms. Webber's departure. Jason was sad and upset with himself, but he wouldn't talk about it. Johnny sighed and merely held up the phone replying, "It's Francis. He said that he needs to talk to you. He tried calling your phone, but he couldn't reach you."  
  
Francis. Elizabeth's guard. Fearing that something was wrong, Jason quickly took the phone and thanked Johnny before slamming the door.  
  
"What's going on Francis?" Jason demanded. "Is something wrong with Elizabeth?"  
  
"No Jason everything is fine," Francis answered in response.  
  
Jason blew out a sigh of relief. "Then why are you calling me?"  
  
"I just thought you would like to know that Elizabeth has left her building," Francis responded quietly.  
  
Jason's eyes flew wide in shock. "What?"  
  
Francis' voice told of his astonishment as well. "Yeah, imagine my surprise when I saw her walking along the docks."  
  
Elizabeth, outside. "You're following her right?"  
  
Francis answered softly. "Yeah, I'm a ways behind."  
  
"Where's she headed Francis?" Jason asked impatiently.  
  
"I don't know man. She just seems to be walking." Francis' voice sounded muffled.  
  
Jason sighed as he pinched the bridge of his nose. "Alright, thanks for telling me. Keep an eye on her."  
  
"You know it Jason," Francis replied before hanging up.  
  
Jason grabbed his coat and keys from the top of his desk before opening the door and running past a confused Johnny. He waited impatiently for the elevator with one thought constantly running through his head.  
  
Elizabeth.  
  
She had left her studio. He had been waiting for a sign that Elizabeth was ready to talk, ready to rejoin the world. Jason hoped that this was it. 


End file.
